Levi Tillemann Dick
Running for Congress because it's just what Dicks do
It’s almost surprising that Levi chose to change his name when he ran for congress. I mean, we understand why he wouldn’t want people to be reminded every time they see him that he is, in fact, a Dick. At the same time, it seems that the only things Levi has going for him in this race are his undying belief that government solves all problems, and the fact that he comes from a family of Kennedy wannabes where Daddy, Auntie, Uncle, Grandma and Grandpa were ALL politicians (or at least, failed politicians).
Let’s start with grandpa: every snowflake, safe-space, anti-speech leftist in the world today can trace their lineage to Tom Lantos, the inventor of victim-identity. Of the countless people who survived the horrors of the holocaust, none turned it into a brand like Levi’s grandpa. Lantos fancied himself a leading human rights specialist on Capitol Hill. In fact, he was a master of deception and propaganda and a wallower in corrupt campaign money.
Lantos’ commitments to human rights didn’t seem to extend beyond those who his politics said it should. He once told a Clinton staffer who was testifying before a House committee on Travelgate, that he should think about committing suicide. He was a consummate war-monger, shilling for every invasion of any country he didn’t love. In 1990, Lantos, who laughably chaired the Congressional Human Rights Caucus, held a meeting during which a 15-year-old Kuwaiti girl told a sobbing hearing room that as a volunteer for a Kuwait hospital she personally witnessed Iraqi soldiers yank new born babies from their incubators, steal the incubators, and leave the infants on the cold floors to die. Eventually, it was revealed that the little girl was actually daughter of Kuwait’s ambassador to the United States. Lantos’ dishonesty prompted even the New York Times to say call for a “searching inquiry” by the House Ethics Committee. Lantos’ war-mongering and shilling didn’t stop there. Before the second Iraq War, Lantos was one of W. Bush’s staunchest allies drumming up support for regime change.
Lantos’ venomous brand of politics has earned him scorn from many of his House colleagues, especially those in the Congressional Black Caucus. Always quick to accuse those who don’t stand with Israel of being anti-Semitic, Lantos (often referred to as the Congressman from the State of Israel) was at odds with African-American members of the House who accused the international diamond industry of responsibility for a large share of Africa’s bloody civil wars and torment.
While the rest of Levi’s family has been less successful in politics than Grandpa Tom, they’ve been no less eager. Levi’s uncle Dick Swett (yes, that’s his real name) had an undistinguished two-terms in Congress and a failed senate bid. His largest accomplishment seems to have been getting reelected once despite his ridiculous name. Once New Hampshirites got tired of voting for Dick Swett (smirk), Levi’s Auntie, Katrina Swett (Tom Lantos’ eldest daughter), decided it was her turn. "Hurricane Katrina," as they call her in New Hampshire, has been a perpetually failed candidate for any office New Hampshire has to offer, ensuring that numerous Republicans made it into office. In the meantime, Levi’s Daddy, Timber Dick (again, REAL name) had a failed bid for Denver’s City Council against a Hispanic candidate. Finally, Levi's Grandma, Nancy Dick, lived in Aspen and served in the Colorado House of Representatives from 1975 to 1979 and as Lieutenant Governor from 1979 to 1987. The biggest accomplishment in that entire tenure seems to have been flying to China; never great when your lasting legacy from 12 years of a government paycheck is leaving the country . . .
Before we end our tour of political mediocrity, it’s worth mentioning Levi’s mother, Annette. While not a politician, she’s every dirty politicians favorite friend: a slum lord. She has carved her home into no less than 6 tenements, known for bugs, an unstable landlord, and dysfunctional appliances (search the reviews for Maggie). As one tennent put it: "Learn from my fail. Don’t stay here . . . ”We wouldn't come back to [this] home if it was the last place in the United States that was unaffected by a nuclear attack. We were miserable”
But enough about Levi’s questionable family -- let’s talk about Levi.
Levi seems to think that the only way to solve a problem is with government. LOTS and LOTS of government. Don’t get us wrong, there are places we should have more government, like healthcare and what not, but if Levi starts talking to anybody outside his little circle of liberal snowflakes, they’re just going hear “give the government your money and pay my paycheck. We’ll solve your problems” -- it’s just not going to work.
From Levi’s PhD dissertation to his book, (which is heavily discounted and ranked the 739,235 most popular book on Amazon), Levi’s intellectual legacy could easily have been subtitled “Levi Dick: a love letter to big government and small bureaucrats.” As one reviewer put it “I had trouble even getting out of the Introduction, there is just so much Human-Caused Global Warming Hype-Bias-Propaganda and ‘Government working with industry’ talk . . . there is also far too much ‘bum kissing’ to [the California Air Resource Board” -- a bureaucracy famous for killing jobs and minting hippies. But Levi’s salivates over CARB -- a group he lovingly describe as “west coast bureaucrats laying plans that would help sink the Humvee and drag an unwilling automotive industry” towards cars they didn’t want to make and people didn’t want to buy (page 30). Another reviewer noted “according to [Levi], if it were not for California and Washington, there would not have been any progress in the U.S. auto industry;” Levi’s own writing sets him up as the enemy of every guy with an actual job.
Levi’s love of government goes beyond your car though. You like normal light bulbs? Levi authored a report on why we should be forced to move to more expensive technologies like LEDs. You want electricity when it’s cloudy but not windy? Too bad! Levi wants only solar and wind. Even on the campaign trail, Levi has insisted that there’s no place for coal in the future of American energy. Again, don’t get us wrong here, we’re in favor of environmentally friendly innovation, but we can’t win an election with a candidate who makes enemies of every guy who has ever worked an actual job.
Sorry Levi, we know you mean well, but why don’t you go work on a fishing boat for a summer or build something with your own two hands? Maybe you’d learn something about actually CONNECTING with Americans instead of just talking AT them.